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'Straight Men' in love with each other :s


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#1 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 15 July 2011 - 11:13 PM

Hi guys,

I'm new here so umm...yeah. I don't know if you guys will be able to offer some insight as to how I handle a very complicated situation that I'm in. The story is quite long but I'll give you a synopsis.

I've known this guy since childhood and throughout our pre-teen/teenage years we've hated each other. He tried to ruin my life, he was ostrocized from our group of friends because of my demand that he not hang around us etc. We were like a dog and a cat. After we both graduated from high school, he broke up with his girlfriend who he was with for a number of years, got back with her and then broke up with her again. He started hanging around with two of my new friends all of a sudden (he had no reason to even want to bve around them) especially since he knew that I was always there. One of my friends started telling me he would always about about me and where I was when I'm not around etc. They convinced me to give him a chance and to renew our relationship. Long story short, we got close and he asked me to start jogging with him and started calling me and wanting to go out and stuff.

Straight guys will know that a bunch of guys will sometimes play around with all the homoeroticism like smacking each other's butts and stuff. (as a joke.) We knew each other for years so we're really comfortable with each other. One time we were drunk and he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth and I thought he was bluffing. I didn't do anything and our tongues were essentially in each other's mouths. He would stare at me in parties and in casual settings and I would ask why. He told me he isn't the type to steal glances and that he wants me to know how he feels. BTW sometimes these things would happen and I wouldn't know if he's joking or not. We would play footsy under the table, we would hold hands, I would sit on him. He tells me how happy I make him etc etc.

Btw, he is the most emotionally unavailable alpha-male you would ever meet. He is a different person when people are around but shows me a more tender side privately. He isn't an ass in public; he just isn't as tender. He started holding doors open for me, driving me around calling to see how I was doing and so forth. Then, he got a girlfriend. By this stage I started having feelings for him. Strong feelings. He just made me feel desirable and safe. I told him to keep all the handsy pansy for his woman and not me. I should mention we never spoke about us being bi or acknowledging anything between us (although we now say 'I love you to each other.) I respect the sanctity of relationships and refused to put myself in that position to get hurt (assuming there is anything real between us.) He asked me how I felt about him having a gf and I told him I didn't want him to be with her. I don't know what happened, but soon enough, he broke up with her. ONe time he came home early from work and made a 'joke' that he came home early for midday lovin' (from me.) He always looks at me, and asked me for music suggestions etc. Eventually we were acting like a couple. Arguing and me getting upset and jealous and him having to apologize for hurting me and wanting to make it up to me. ONe time we were in his room at night, lights off, shirts off, and he gave me a full massage. I called him by a pet-name and he would call me babe, or honey or whatever.

FINALLY, I left my country to study in the US. He was going into the military so we would have stopped seeing each other often anyway. When I got here he would call me EVERY DAY to make sure I was ok etc. He would get mad at me when he saw my ex gf writing on my FB wall and stuff and I would get jealous when friends tell me about girls he would hook up with. I deleted him from FB and we had a rough reconciliation..when i added him back he had a bunch of heartbroken statuses and songs. I visited home often and things were as normal. Fastforward a few months (I LEFT OUT 50% OF THE SOTRY BTW) He came to the US for a couple months (not the same state) and we were talking on the phone. He told me how much he can't wait to see me. As I said, he's very 'manly' and he's not as talkative as I am. I unnecessarily threw a bitch fit asking if he didn't want to talk to me cuz I wanted him to me more active and excited oveer the phone. He asked why I had to always argue with him when we talk when all he wants to do is have a good time speaking. He made a joke that if I called the next day that would be tantamount to 'crowding' him and I kow he likes his space. He said he would never say that because he cares about me and he doesn't want to say anything to hurt me. The fact that he even said it hurt me so much and I told him i would never crowd him again. I hung up. He tried reaching out the next day but I pushed him away. I don't know what to do. I can't deal with us fighting anymore and I feel like things will be better if we revert to hating each other again. But he is the TYPICAL GUY. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, HOW TO SAY IT, DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HE DOES SOMETHING WRONG. SIGH

Any thoughts???




#2 OFFLINE   ninelives

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 12:02 AM

If you're both getting jealous over each others' romantic relationships then you both clearly have strong feelings for each other. Tell him why you've been pushing him away. Do you want to be in a monogamous romantic relationship with him? Tell him how you feel and what you want out of your relationship. Just be direct and ask him what he wants as well.

#3 OFFLINE   miles_to_go

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 12:06 AM

Have you been frank with him? I don't mean freaking out on him over the phone, etc. I mean, just be rational and frank with him and tell him how you feel. It sounds like you guys are playing tag or something, because despite how you act around each other or towards each other which is akin to a relationship as you describe it, I don't think that you once mentioned either of you coming to terms with the other about actually labeling it a relationship. You also haven't mentioned whether or not you have come to terms with each other about being bisexual? Have you come out to each other at all?

At any rate, I could just be full of crap because I have never been in a relationship with a guy, but to me, your story sounds like a guy/girl relationship that hasn't been labeled a relationship yet, and you're both guys. Try directly talking about it instead of skirting the issue. And if you keep freaking out on him out of nowhere it's not gonna help matters dude. I think you guys just need to have the, "what is this/what are we doing/where is this going?" talk that guys and girls inevitably have before they call each other boy/girlfriend.

tl:dr? You guys need to communicate better. You communicate enough it seems, but you both need to do it better.

#4 OFFLINE   atheras

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 12:52 AM

I think you need to hook up already. It's long over due. Just have a few drinks and spend the night and make a move. He will probably reciprocate.

#5 OFFLINE   kes2532

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 01:06 AM

^^^ going to have to agree with this above, its been trying to happen for years, let it happen and see where ti goes for you all! wish you luck!

#6 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 01:56 AM

I can't just call him everytime I flip out and apologize. Well, maybe I can.

The words 'gay' or 'bi' never even came up between us. Heck, not even the word 'straight'. We haven't addressed the issue of labels at all. I have become physically attracted to him but during my absence, I heard about the girls he slept with through the grapevine. I confronted him and he promised it was nothing deeper and that he doesn't want a relationship, nor is he in a relationship with anybody else. He has so much pride (so do I) but I just want him to be the one to call and be understanding of how touchy I can be when it comes to him.

It does feel like a relationship..and it feels like I'm the female :s because of how he treats and talks to me. He's very protective and jealous. He once told me he doesn't share when an issue about my ex came up. Who does that?!

#7 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 02:08 AM

Wow..as soon as I typed that last response he called me!!!

He asked how my week was and is pretending that nothing is wrong between us. What should I say??

#8 OFFLINE   kes2532

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 02:13 AM

Honestly dont worry about labels, when something is labeled it automatically gets a stigma attached to it. Just look at it as what it is, 2 great friends whom are very close to each other showing that they care abotut the other in the most intimate way that they know

#9 OFFLINE   TheWoofMan

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 02:29 AM

I would just find a different guy who actually wants you, who wants a relationship or dating with you, and who is out and not closeted or in denial about being bisexual or gay, and who isn't a tease like this guy who is your friend/ex friend.

I would NOT hook up with this guy or make a move on him since it sounds like he's majorly in denial about his sexuality, or even closeted and he could wind up flipping out hurting you physically, and it would ruin whatever friendship you have left.

I have male friends who are bisexual and they do get touchy feely with me, tease, and even proposition me for sex-in those cases when I said yes they chickened out and didn't do anything when it came down to the brass tacks of putting out and having sex. Yes some of them are in denial and/or closeted about their sexuality and that is their issue to work on since that's how it works and I have offered to talk to them or I would if they ever wanted to but so far only the one friend has.

These men know all about me and my sexuality since I've been out for a long time to them and my friends/family, and if we were to have sex it would ruin our friendship and I've known some of these men for decades.

I have had men who are either in denial about their sexuality and/or closeted hit on me in all sorts of places and I just talk to them and that's it. It's been shown that men who are closeted, down low, or in denial about being bisexual or gay men take dangerous risks when it comes to not having safer sex and not using condoms when they have sex with men or men and women.

I have been in relationships with men, there is none of the sort of talks you have while in a hetero relationship or what miles_to_go described as "what is this/what are we doing/where is this going?" talk that guys and girls inevitably have before they call each other boy/girlfriend." since I'm very good at communicating with whoever I'm dating, in a relationship with, or finding out if we're even compatible for a relationship or sexually at all since I've met lots of men or dated men who either we discovered through talking that we're not compatible for a relationship/dating and/or not sexually compatible, or I was not attracted to them at all like they were to me.

It also sounds as though you and this guy don't really know what you want and that if this guy is even bisexual or gay that you're in for a "relationship" that is going to have A LOT of drama, miscommunication, and fighting so that's another reason why I'd avoid doing anything like this or making a move or propositioning him at all.

kes-There's nothing wrong with being out as gay or bisexual and sexual orientation labels don't negate or attach a stigma to anything.

Edited by TheWoofMan, 16 July 2011 - 02:49 AM.

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#10 OFFLINE   ardere

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 03:16 AM

Agree with everyone else. You basically have two options.

1. Talk to him directly about how you feel about him what he feels aswell
2. Just go for it. Watch a movie at home together our something and just make a move

I've had bromances before wroth straight guys but never like that and it never got more physical than just hugging and the occasional smack on the bum

#11 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 03:28 AM

Oh believe me it has been very physical. We played truth or dare one time and I actually had to play with his you know what :|

Anyway, we just got off of the phone and I suggested that we should stop talking to each other and just forget about each other. He asked if I would be able to do something that extreme and that he doesn't want to. He asked when I was going to find a wife for him. When I thought he was serious he started asking me to hook him up with a bunch of random R&B singers which made me realize he was joking.

The conversation even went to Skype sex. At the end of the convo, though, the following exchange was made:
Me: "By honey."
Him: "By darling"
Me: "...I..love you."
Him:"I love you too."

We didn't even address the argument we had the last time we spoke and that phone convo was over an hour long. Uuhhggg. I hate him so much!! :(

#12 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 03:31 AM

View Postardere, on 16 July 2011 - 03:16 AM, said:

Agree with everyone else. You basically have two options.

1. Talk to him directly about how you feel about him what he feels aswell
2. Just go for it. Watch a movie at home together our something and just make a move

I've had bromances before wroth straight guys but never like that and it never got more physical than just hugging and the occasional smack on the bum


Yup. I think I'll do both. He isn't freaked out by certain things I say anymore. He wants me to come meet him where he currently is so we can spend time together. I just want to get hurt. Even if he doesn't break my heart, he's so rough and cold and I'm the opposite.

#13 OFFLINE   FSUbi85

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 03:41 AM

View Postatheras, on 16 July 2011 - 12:52 AM, said:

I think you need to hook up already. It's long over due. Just have a few drinks and spend the night and make a move. He will probably reciprocate.
No kidding, there's clearly a lot of attraction on both sides, despite a lot of denials.

#14 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 05:10 AM

If I wasn't in the situation.....he is the 'straightest' guy ever. I just hate feeling like this. He's the man, I'm the woman...and i'm always emotional and stupid with him. ONe time, jokingly, he made it clear that if we ever sleep together I would have to be the one that is penetrated. Every time we talk about things like that, I hear about him sleeping with all these girls that love him so much (he's exceptionally handsome btw). I would never let him touch me knowing what he does with those girls...1) because multiple partners are gross and 2) because I have a thing about sharing lovers.

I can't believe I'm talking so freely about my feelings for him. Two thumbs up for this site!

#15 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 06:04 AM

View Postkes2532, on 16 July 2011 - 02:13 AM, said:

Honestly dont worry about labels, when something is labeled it automatically gets a stigma attached to it. Just look at it as what it is, 2 great friends whom are very close to each other showing that they care abotut the other in the most intimate way that they know

Thank you for the advice. It makes things so much more easy.

#16 OFFLINE   Phat C

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Posted 17 July 2011 - 10:59 PM

The most straightforward answer I can give you is to tell him how you feel. I don't know if he knows how you truly feel. Just go in with confidence.

#17 OFFLINE   fpsgamer86

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Posted 18 July 2011 - 05:45 PM

Here's what it looks like to me. You love this guy and he loves you back. You want a relationship out of it, but you're frustrated about it. He is still exploring his sexuality. I think he is bisexual, but I think he is nowhere near being able to come out or have a real relationship with a man. Especially since he has such an easy time with women.

If you two keep treating your relationship as a game, then things are not going to get better. It seems to me that you guys still have issues being physical with one another. The reason I say this is you mentioned getting physical when drinking, with the lights out, playing truth or dare, and over skype. Have you been intimate in person openly?

Not to sound like an echo here, but you guys have got to talk about it calmly for this to get sorted out. Since you have admitted to being the more emotional one I think the ball is in your court. If you can force yourself to remain calm, don't let anger or any emotions take over, don't get sarcastic or snide, just calm and collected. Explain how important your relationship is, explain what things about it frustrate you, like him womanizing while still being flirty/romantic with you. If you can remain calm, it sounds like he will as well. It may be hard to get him talking, but I think you can get a good idea of what he's looking for out of your relationship. Whether he wants to be friends who fool around, just friends, enemies, lovers, etc.

#18 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 18 July 2011 - 05:55 PM

View Postfpsgamer86, on 18 July 2011 - 05:45 PM, said:

Here's what it looks like to me. You love this guy and he loves you back. You want a relationship out of it, but you're frustrated about it. He is still exploring his sexuality. I think he is bisexual, but I think he is nowhere near being able to come out or have a real relationship with a man. Especially since he has such an easy time with women.

If you two keep treating your relationship as a game, then things are not going to get better. It seems to me that you guys still have issues being physical with one another. The reason I say this is you mentioned getting physical when drinking, with the lights out, playing truth or dare, and over skype. Have you been intimate in person openly?

YES, HE'S HELD ME OPENLY, HUGGED ME, HELD ME BELOW THE WASTE. EVEN IN FRONT OF A COUPLE PEOPLE. WE/THEY JUST CHALKED IT UP TO HOM BEING SILLY, THOUGH.

Not to sound like an echo here, but you guys have got to talk about it calmly for this to get sorted out. Since you have admitted to being the more emotional one I think the ball is in your court. If you can force yourself to remain calm, don't let anger or any emotions take over, don't get sarcastic or snide, just calm and collected. Explain how important your relationship is, explain what things about it frustrate you, like him womanizing while still being flirty/romantic with you. If you can remain calm, it sounds like he will as well. It may be hard to get him talking, but I think you can get a good idea of what he's looking for out of your relationship. Whether he wants to be friends who fool around, just friends, enemies, lovers, etc.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. I KNOW FOR A FACT IT'LL BE HARD TO GET HIM TALK SINCE IT REALLY ISN'T HIS STRONGPOINT. SIGH. THANKS.

#19 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 18 July 2011 - 05:57 PM

@ Phat C, he claims that he knows that I 'love' him. But we have not sat down and discussed it seriously.

#20 OFFLINE   shyguy9

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Posted 06 August 2011 - 12:54 AM

Update* (if anyone reads)

We Skyped last night. And it was playful...despite us arguing every five minutes. He asked something about whether I had anything else to say. That got me pissed and he countered by saying that he knows that he is not "the best conversationalist" (sic) and that I should give him a chance because he knows he doesn't phrase things the right way sometimes. Them we kinda made up. Then he went off cam to change for bed and when came back on...he said, "I'm goign to show you something. HE actually showed me his penis! Who does that! Then he made up some lame excuse saying he had to go and then ended the call. He makes me so mad sometimes.



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