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sexual activity with my bisexual husband


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#1 Guest_loving_wife_*

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Posted 10 March 2011 - 10:07 PM

so my husband is bisexual and I've know for sometime. It's been a confusing and interesting time in our relationship. We have a strong, committed relationship and are open and honest.

My concern is that we have started exploring the option of bringing a man into our sex life. I enjoy sex and would like to experience it with two men and my partner would obviously like to have sex with a man too. I would only feel comfortable with him having sex with a man if I am involved. I'm ok with us playing all together and then giving them some time alone as he says that he doesn't want me to see him like that. That's cool, I don't particularly want to see that either. Anyway, he has been looking for men on a gay site. I don't want him to have sex with a gay man, I would only feel comfortable with another bi man. SO that's ok, but now I'm worried that if we have a 3some with another bi-man than they would just focus on each other and i would feel like the third wheel.

As most of you know, for a woman, finding out that their partner is bi can lead to feeling on inadequacy and concern that they are not satisfy their man sexually. I think it would be devestating to be involved but yet be left out :( I don't want our first experience to be bad and ruin all of the hard work we have put in to making this work for us.

I feel like I'm rambling here abit. Not too sure what I'm asking? maybe how do you make sure this doesn't happen? how do you find a suitable sexual partner for both of you? It brings up feelings of panic in me that there might be TWO men that arn't satisifed with me. I know it's not really logical but any help/support/advice would be appreciated.




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#2 OFFLINE   myown

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 12:06 AM

loving_wife...

You have a lot to discuss here but first unwanted to congratulate you for getting as far as you two have. Takes a lot of work and understanding to get as far as you have.

I think establishing the rules like you have is extremely important. Remember the more the two of you communicate the better the relationship will become and you will have less frustration.

If you are only comfortable with a bi guy then you must convey this to your husband. Communicate your concerns and desires. Don't feel inadequate either, im sure you are everything a woman can give a husband and I'm sure he's satisfied or he would probably tell you. If he is truly wanting toinclude you then the 3-some will be just that! All three will play together, with my wife and I it's not been a separation of anyone we all play together. When all three play fairly and equally the everyone has fun and everyone gets satisfied.

I wanted to revisit the definition of bisexual...this means your husband enjoys sexual interaction with both men and women. What makes you think he's not into you?

Sounds to me things are going fairly well. Find a bi guy, establish the rules and play together! Keep communicating and talking together. Perhaps the two of you should talk afteran experience to recap the good the bad and what should be changed? I wouldn't worry too much about the gay website...if he suggests a guy he found there then tell him your true feelings. My wife and I call looking for other guys "shopping", we go shopping together so perhaps the two of you could do something similar.

Good luck! Keep us informed and feel free to ask questions.

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#3 Guest_loving_wife_*

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 01:31 AM

hi and thanks for the reply.

It's hard to explain myself properly sometimes. I can't really talk to anyone else about this to get my feelings straight and sorted out so I know what I want and then tell my husband.

My feelings of inadequacy come from a few different places. I've recently had two children and so obviously have not had sex with anyone else but my husband since having kids. That makes me feel vulnerable about sharing my body with another man who isn't the father of my children. Also, he doesn't want me to do anything anally with him even though that's what he would want from a man. I've already suggested using toys or a strap-on as a stepping stone before involving someone else but he doesn't want. I'm kind of ok with that because it's not really my thing but i would be willing to do it for him. So that's why I feel like I can't give him everything I could and am somehow inadequate because he doesn't want that from me.

I would like to find another bi-sexual guy because I think the he would be more understanding and sensitive to our situation. Preferably I would like the another guy to also be in a relationship with a woman, although I don't want to have sex with another couple as I don't like women in that way. I feel that is kind of a saftey net somehow.

I have agreed to a 3some because as I said in my first post I would like to have sex with two men together (another reason why it would need to be with a bi guy) but ideally we would play together and if I am comfortable with the other man I would let them have some alone time. My husband says that he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself fully with another man when I was there because he would be submissive and vulnerable and he most definitely is the dominant partner in our relationship and he doesn't want me to see him that way. I can respect that, and as I've said, I have no desire to sit and watch while they get it on, it would make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Even though I think that's a good compromise, it still feels like I'm missing out somehow.

I agree that rules are important and my husband has also said it is completely my decision and would be happy to not even do anything with anyone if I am not comfortable. He is so respectful with giving me this choice but at some level I feel like I can't say no because I know that is what he wants and feel like I would be depriving him of something he wants and I of course want to give the man I love everything he wants in this world. I know that he has had sex with other men before we were together and so I know that it's not just curiosity and it's not going to "go away". I don't want to say 'no you can't do this' and then have it build up inside and then he goes and has an unsafe encounter with someone without telling me. So somehow I feel like it's not really a choice, I've just been given a situation and am trying to deal with it as best I can.

Thanks for listening and if you have anymore helpful suggestions/advice/experience to help me that'd be great :)

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 01:00 PM

wishing my wife was as understanding as you are. good luck with your decision whatever it may be

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 07:29 PM

Interesting! So it seems the communication between the two of you is good. Is it not?

Your insecurities as you state seeming vulnerable are exactly the same insecurities he has about being with a man in your presence. This feeling of inadequacy/vulnerability can be over come if one wants that. I had the same reservations about doing those things in front of my wife but her and I agreed we would always play together so I came to terms with it and got past it. Bottom line here us if the two of you want all this to happen then you will make it work. Sounds like you really don't want to be included in the guy stuff anyway so if that is what the two of you decide is best for you then it works.

I do have a few concerns about how open the relationship seems but like I said earlier different things work for different couples. Personally my wife and I reserve a few things as sacred to our marriage and we don't share those things with anyone else but between her and I. First, we don't allow kissing. Second, we don't allow intercourse. Those two things are reserved for us as husband and wife.

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Posted 12 March 2011 - 11:53 AM

Thanks again for the replies.

Yes, our communication is very good and the trust is there and I know he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. He doesn't love men, which I know is quiet common for bisexual men.

I have concerns about intercourse, but don't really know how to avoid that because that's what he wants. He's not into giving or recieveing oral sex with men, he just wants to be fucked by one (pardon my crudeness but that's the fact of the matter). And as I said, I can't substitute so there's really no way around that, except not to do anything.

I have major concerns about STDs but again, if we go through with this that's just a risk we will have to take.

*sigh* it all seems to be ok when I think about it logically but then I get waves of anger and frankly, disgust at times and it makes me feel like an awful person. I have no problem with men having sex with each other but it's a totally different ball game when it's the man you love, the father of my children. Sometimes I wonder how it will affect them if they knew, although they're way to young now and it's kind of none of their business.

Ah I'm rambling again. Thanks for listening. I think this truly is one of the hardest journeys a couple can make together. I don't want this to ruin our relationship but sometimes wonder if I say yes, will I regret it later and not be able to move past it?

#7 Guest_ccd3456_*

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Posted 13 March 2011 - 03:25 AM

View PostLoving_wife, on 12 March 2011 - 11:53 AM, said:

I think this truly is one of the hardest journeys a couple can make together. I don't want this to ruin our relationship but sometimes wonder if I say yes, will I regret it later and not be able to move past it?

Sorry about the previous post (newbie to the site). I understand how you feel. I have been on a similar journey with my husband, and there have been several decisions that I have regretted. I have overcome a few, but I'm still struggling with the consequences of others, including some lost friendships. That said, if there is one thing I have learned, it is the importance of HONEST COMMUNICATION.

10 years ago, I wanted so much to please my husband that I agreed to try swinging when I really had no desire to do so. I was scared and had lots of questions, but did not want him to think I was a prude, so I just went along. Turns out, he had no clue about that world either. The aftermath was disastrous for me. We had not set any 'rules', and so things went on that I had a hard time coping with afterwards. The problem is, he really enjoyed the experience and wanted to repeat it, while I found it traumatizing. We have been struggling with it (and discussing it) ever since in order to find a 'solution' we are both happy with. We are still married, still in love, but we have come very close to calling it quits. I refuse to give up my marriage because of this. I don't want him to be with other people on his own, but I have to come to terms with what I would be comfortable with. We recently had a 'breakthrough' (I got REALLY turned on by gay and bi-sex porn, and so did he!), and feel a 3some with a bisexual male might work out the best for us. I am genuinely intrigued, which is a big step ahead for me, but I want to explore the logistics of it for a while. I need to be as well informed as I can before we act. Unlike you, I am mostly interested in watching them get it on. The extent of my participation is still being discussed.

I am very interested in the advise you obtain from others, but here is my contribution for you:
Be openminded and nonjudgmental when you discuss this subject with your husband, but be upfront with your true feelings. Demand the same in return. If either of you are uncertain about something, say so and why. If you are not comfortable with something, definitely bring it up. Define what it is that bothers you and look for an alternative that you can both live with. I sincerely hope everything works out for you both!

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Posted 13 March 2011 - 04:49 AM

View Postccd3456, on 13 March 2011 - 03:25 AM, said:

Sorry about the previous post (newbie to the site). I understand how you feel. I have been on a similar journey with my husband, and there have been several decisions that I have regretted. I have overcome a few, but I'm still struggling with the consequences of others, including some lost friendships. That said, if there is one thing I have learned, it is the importance of HONEST COMMUNICATION.

10 years ago, I wanted so much to please my husband that I agreed to try swinging when I really had no desire to do so. I was scared and had lots of questions, but did not want him to think I was a prude, so I just went along. Turns out, he had no clue about that world either. The aftermath was disastrous for me. We had not set any
'rules', and so things went on that I had a hard time coping with afterwards. The problem is, he really enjoyed the experience and wanted to repeat it, while I found it traumatizing. We have been struggling with it (and discussing it) ever since in order to find a 'solution' we are both happy with. We are still married, still in love, but we have come very close to calling it quits. I refuse to give up my marriage because of this. I don't want him to be with
other people on his own, but I have to come to terms with what I would be comfortable with. We recently had a 'breakthrough' (I got REALLY turned on by gay and bi-sex porn, and so did he!), and feel a 3some with a bisexual male might work out the best for us. I am genuinely intrigued, which is a big step ahead for me, but I want to explore the logistics of it for a while. I need to be as well informed as I can before we act. Unlike you, I am mostly
interested in watching them get it on. The extent of my participation is still being discussed.

I am very interested in the advise you obtain from others, but here is my contribution for you:
Be openminded and nonjudgmental when you discuss this subject with your husband, but be upfront with your true feelings. Demand the same in return. If either of you are
uncertain about something, say so and why. If you are not comfortable with something, definitely bring it up. Define what it is that bothers you and look for an alternative that you can both live with. I sincerely hope everything works out for you both!

loving_wife...
First, if he's only interested in getting fucked that is cool, at least he has been up front with you. As far as safety goes, that should be TOP priority!!!!! Many ways to accomplish this but takes time. Getting to know someone first will weed out the guys who get around way too much. Requesting test results and getting tested is also smart. Use of condoms is an absolute must for anal sex as fear sa safety is concerned. Lots to think about here and you are absolutely rightful in your concerns.

The above post by ???, (I can't see the whole post on my iPhone) was very well stated!
Yes, this journey is hard and can be problematic at times. Keep communicating, the 3 some thing works well for my wife and I with a bi guy. We tried the couple thing but seemed that someone was always left out, not intentionally just worked that way.

Sounds to me you are on the right track! Communication + rules= happy marriage. Keep us posted.

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Posted 14 March 2011 - 11:16 AM

Thanks for the replies, especially for the other wife of a bisexual man (sorry can't see your forum name on my phone). It's nice to know others are going through this as well.

Myown, I fully understand the safety risks involved with including a 3rd person In our sexual relationship. I am a nurse and have seen first hand the devastating consequences that all STDs but especially HIV can have on individuals and families. This is a HUGE concern of mine and I will not enter into any arrangement until I feel comfortable on that front, even though I understand there will always be a risk. I somehow feel that by including me in the sexual activity will somehow lower that risk as then if, god forbid, we do contract something it's not something he brought home from his own encounters. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

He also has told me he likes older men. The problem is that he is a fair bit older than me already and that if we found a man he liked that was older than him we'd kind of be getting into the whole 'old enough to be my father' age range which freaks me out and doesn't turn me on at all.

I wish I could just say, go out and do what you want, I don't want to know about it but will let you do it will still love you, but I can't do that, it would eat me up inside. ARGH!! I don't need this extra stress in my life. I feel like everyone is looking at me on the street and 'knows'. I feel like screaming out 'my husband likes men' at work just to get it off my chest... It's nice to be able to express myself honestly here. Thanks for listening again.

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Posted 14 March 2011 - 01:45 PM

No problem at all! Thanks for coming here to voice your concerns and such.

I completely understand the disease thing also, minimizing risk is the best thing you can do.

Sounds like your husbands desires are really eating you up. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you or both of you to talk this over with a councilor? Maybe it would help you with frustration and will help him understand your suffrage. At that point perhaps both of you would be actively talking and you could come to a better arrangement that meets both of your needs.

Trust me, nobody on the street can tell by looking at you your problems. We all have them! Don't let this consume you like that, it's not healthy to let that happen. There are better ways to deal with the feelings. No need to make a shout out at work either, will just be an embarrassment for yourself in the long run.

I really hope this works out for both of you. It is a difficult thing to get through...hang in there!

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Posted 16 March 2011 - 10:10 AM

I don't really want to shout out, just feels like it sometimes. I would never act on that impulse.

I don't think he would go for counseling, although I've considered just going by myself.

Anyway, he thinks he may have found someone he'd like to meet up with. He hasn't told me this yet. I only know because he gave me his user name and password to a site he's been using (so that there was trust and nothing was hidden) and I've checked and seen the messages. Just waiting to be informed by him about this now... And after a few days still nothing *sigh* doesn't make me feel good, but I don't want to bring it up with him.

Guess I just have to wait and trust him now.

#12 OFFLINE   myown

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Posted 16 March 2011 - 01:12 PM

I'm sure knowing that and waiting to be informed is difficult. I wish the two of you best of luck...this venture can be a truly rewarding experience for everyone involved if done properly.

Keep us posted!

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Posted 18 March 2011 - 10:49 AM

Hi loving_wife
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I've known my hubby is bi since the start of our relationship. I've just had our first baby & it's really got me thinking about the future & what it might bring. We've only just started discussing things openly (although we've got great communication), 4 years into our relationship. It's going great but still got my mind running in circles.
I'd be happy to make contact if you'd like someone to offload to. I know I'd surely appreciate it. Not sure how to give details though as we're not allowed to b members on here...

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Posted 18 March 2011 - 06:56 PM

Hi JD,

View PostJD, on 18 March 2011 - 10:49 AM, said:

I'd be happy to make contact if you'd like someone to offload to

It is very kind of you to offer support to Loving_wife. You say that you do not know how to make contact with her, yet you already have done here.

You are right that you cannot become members here but you CAN post here as often as you like.

If you need some support as well then maybe you could start a topic of your own.

As a site for bi men there is no other way of keeping in contact with each other here, as posting contact details is strictly against the site rules.

I am sorry I couldn't help you any more than that but do post here whenever you need to.

Even as a moderator I have no way of contacting either of you, other than posting here.

Steve



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Posted 24 April 2011 - 04:33 AM

The biggest turn on for me would be to have a threesome with my girlfriend and another man. It's all about pleasure for everyone. If my girlfriend isn't feeling the moment then it would ruin it for both of us, I think.

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Posted 25 April 2011 - 02:49 PM

View PostKrieg35, on 24 April 2011 - 04:33 AM, said:

The biggest turn on for me would be to have a threesome with my girlfriend and another man. It's all about pleasure for everyone. If my girlfriend isn't feeling the moment then it would ruin it for both of us, I think.

I think that would be the case for my wife and I. If we both aren't feeling and enjoying the moment then it's just not much fun. It's important to me that both of us are on board, if either of us isn't then just doesn't work well.

#17 Guest_jennifer_*

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Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:30 PM

I am in the same boat. My husband confessed early in our relationship that he was bi sexual and had relations with other men. That was the first for me and devastating. I didnt know if i should run or stay. I knew one thing though and it was i was in love with a man i thought of as my best friend, but really felt i didnt know him at all. He has been trying to talk me into threesomes with another man for some time. I dont know what to think. This could potentially ruin our relationship. I think. Im so scared the man that im in love with has these sexual desires that dont involve me. I dont know what to think, but i know its heartbreking. I want to be the woman to satify all his sexual desires, but know that i will never be able to do that alone. Should i agree to a three some. He says he wants to see a man have sex with and watch then join. Help me. Soo confused

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Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:39 PM

Hi Jennifer

You shouldn't do anything you are not 100% comfortable with!

Do not allow this to ruin anything you have with your husband

If he loves you he will let you agree the pace

take care

Luckybrand (moderator)
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LB
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Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:01 PM

View Postjennifer, on 14 July 2012 - 10:30 PM, said:

This could potentially ruin our relationship. I think. Im so scared the man that im in love with has these sexual desires that dont involve me. I dont know what to think, but i know its heartbreking. I want to be the woman to satify all his sexual desires, but know that i will never be able to do that alone. Should i agree to a three some. He says he wants to see a man have sex with and watch then join. Help me. Soo confused

I understand the fear that it could destroy your relationship. However, understand that he had experiences before you and choose you anyhow. I agree with Luckybrand, he needs to go at your pace. Are you interested in a 3 some? Or would you just be doing it to satisfy him? If the former, then consider it. If the later, then you are not ready. To me the most important thing would be to talk to him about it. Do you ever talk about his bisexuality? How comfortable is he with himself?

Talk to him about your fears. I think that it is clear that the idea of a 3 some makes you uncomfortable. Talk to him about how it makes you uncomfortable. Let him know where you are at. Ask him if he would really want to do it if you felt pressured.

I know that for me becoming more comfortable with my bisexuality has help greatly in allowing me to find non-sexual ways to express myself.

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Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:20 PM

Thank you both for responding so quickly. Honestly we dont talk about his bisexuality. I think he is worried that i would think less of him. He has asked me why i think he would like a threesome with a man, i reply because you like men. He says that he wants to see a man have sex with me and then join in. Its more than watching a man have sex with me because of comments he will make while making love of what he wants to do. You know i think i may be fine with fulfilling his fantacy. Maybe. I am nervous that this may change the relationship for the possible worst. But how will i ever know. I want to satisfy my husband and his every need sexually. If the right guy came along and it was the right place who knows what i would do. Maybe talking more about his bi sexuality and what he wants and desires is what we need to discuss more. I do know i would rather be included in this affair than to find out he did this without me.




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