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Obvious 'Bi signs'


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#1 OFFLINE   Curious_Guy

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Posted 13 March 2009 - 11:19 PM

I randomly thought of this topic and hope it will be quite fun and maybe taken seriously as well.
As most of us know there are the myths of how women naturally flirt to us...e.g, the hair pulling/stroking/flicking, the laughing at our shockingly awful jokes, the never ending touching of our body and so on and it just occured to me if guys do the same to other guys?
Gay guys supposedly have a 'gaydar' but i've never truly believed this whether or not it is true, so are there any flirtatious signs that guys perform for other guys to show they are curious etc? Subtle or unsubtle and how serious are they being (many guys i know grab crotches for a laugh their own or others but purely out of jest...so i assume lol)
What are your thoughts gentlemen?




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Posted 14 March 2009 - 07:18 PM

View PostCurious_Guy, on Mar 14 2009, 01:19 AM, said:

I randomly thought of this topic and hope it will be quite fun and maybe taken seriously as well.
As most of us know there are the myths of how women naturally flirt to us...e.g, the hair pulling/stroking/flicking, the laughing at our shockingly awful jokes, the never ending touching of our body and so on and it just occured to me if guys do the same to other guys?
Gay guys supposedly have a 'gaydar' but i've never truly believed this whether or not it is true, so are there any flirtatious signs that guys perform for other guys to show they are curious etc? Subtle or unsubtle and how serious are they being (many guys i know grab crotches for a laugh their own or others but purely out of jest...so i assume lol)
What are your thoughts gentlemen?

I have to say that I believe in gaydar because I've been able to tune into my gaydar and it hasn't disappointed me....yet. I also need to add that one doesn't have to be flirtatious etc in order to make a blip on someone's gaydar, sometimes it's their body language or tiny tell-tale signs that they give out that makes one aware that the guy in question isn't straight.

Moving on....

When it comes to my bidar, that's an altogether different kettle of fish, but that's because most bi men are in hiding (in the street so to speak) so it's hard to assimilate enough info about body language etc in order to identify bi guys out there. There was however one instance when my bidar worked, however, the guy in question may as well have worn a neon sign...though technically..... LMAO

I was in Mexico at the time. My ex and I were invited to a party by one of the gang (the gang being a whole group of friends - 95% of them are gay, 4% are bi and 1% are straight). Long story short, one of the straight friends arrived at the party with a male friend of hers - the others knew him but it was the first time that I'd laid eyes on him. As the evening progressed (and the alcohol kicked in), she was making out with him....for HOURS LOL. They eventually needed a break from each other so she went to get drinks for them and "Mr" made a beeline for a group of gay guys where he stood on a step and "innocently" stretched. Let me just say that judging from the bulge travelling down his leg, it was safe to conclude that he is hung and he was excited after all the nookie. Once Sherlock Holmes made that discovery, he then realised that "Mr" didn't have to go in front of the guys before stretching (bear in mind that I'd just assumed that he is straight). I then put two and two together and realised that his stretch routine took place so that he could advertise his goods to a captivated audience. At that point I turned to my ex and asked him if "Mr" is bi and the response was "Yes, he is bi...and he's a slut - he'll fuck anything in pants or a dress". At which point my response was, "I'll be right back" whilst pretending as if I was about to run up to "Mr Snakey" LMAO

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Posted 14 March 2009 - 07:38 PM

View PostCurious_Guy, on Mar 13 2009, 07:19 PM, said:

I randomly thought of this topic and hope it will be quite fun and maybe taken seriously as well.
As most of us know there are the myths of how women naturally flirt to us...e.g, the hair pulling/stroking/flicking, the laughing at our shockingly awful jokes, the never ending touching of our body and so on and it just occured to me if guys do the same to other guys?
Gay guys supposedly have a 'gaydar' but i've never truly believed this whether or not it is true, so are there any flirtatious signs that guys perform for other guys to show they are curious etc? Subtle or unsubtle and how serious are they being (many guys i know grab crotches for a laugh their own or others but purely out of jest...so i assume lol)
What are your thoughts gentlemen?


Hmmmm...my instincts were correct about joining this site. I have known about gaydar(though I have also been surprised how many guys have never even heard of the term) but I guess my bidar antenna must be still searching for the signal since I don't seem to be able to pick up any waves :) Still,I suppose all I would need to do is pay closer attention since it appears trying to weed out bi guys from str8 ones is a tougher job than I thought(perhaps Radio Shack may have some hardware I can use :)). This is a good topic you've brought up Curious and I hope it gets more attention...I know it has given me something to ponder.
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Posted 14 March 2009 - 07:40 PM

Guy bi...that's a great story.

Curious Guy;
My gaydar is for crap (at least that's what my gay friends tell me) and my bidar is even worse. Therefore I am oblivous to the subtle behaviors that say "hey you wanna hook up?" But I have never had a problem with the obvious behaviours, such as the touch on the shoulder or arm during a conversation. Starting a conversation from a socially appropriate distance and over time inching closer and closer in proximity so that you are almost touching one another.

For me, it is the hardest thing to explain, yet the easiest thing to notice, is just the way a guy will look you in the eye. It's not a normal look that you have in casual conversation. It is a look that tells you he sees in my eyes...all the way to my soul while we are having a casual conversation. That is the ultimate sign.

Of course I do pick up on blatant signs like when you're in a gay bar and the guyacross the room is clutching his rock hard dick that you can see through his pants and looking at you or nods at you. I guess those kind of signs fall under the neon sign category.

Maybe someone else who can articulate the concept better than me will describe "the way he looks you in the eye."

#5 OFFLINE   Rafe Day

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Posted 15 March 2009 - 12:06 AM

View Postgoodguy1221, on Mar 14 2009, 02:40 PM, said:

Guy bi...that's a great story.

Curious Guy;
My gaydar is for crap (at least that's what my gay friends tell me) and my bidar is even worse. Therefore I am oblivous to the subtle behaviors that say "hey you wanna hook up?" But I have never had a problem with the obvious behaviours, such as the touch on the shoulder or arm during a conversation. Starting a conversation from a socially appropriate distance and over time inching closer and closer in proximity so that you are almost touching one another.

For me, it is the hardest thing to explain, yet the easiest thing to notice, is just the way a guy will look you in the eye. It's not a normal look that you have in casual conversation. It is a look that tells you he sees in my eyes...all the way to my soul while we are having a casual conversation. That is the ultimate sign.

Of course I do pick up on blatant signs like when you're in a gay bar and the guyacross the room is clutching his rock hard dick that you can see through his pants and looking at you or nods at you. I guess those kind of signs fall under the neon sign category.

Maybe someone else who can articulate the concept better than me will describe "the way he looks you in the eye."

The technical term for this is the "copulatory gaze" (or, more colloquially, the "fuck me stare"), and both men and women use it as a way of gauging the interest of a potential partner. We establish intimacy with one another by decreasing distance (not just with lovers, but also with friends and family). We can do this physically, as you indicated, by closing the space between our bodies to the point that we are "casually" touching one another. This feigned casualness gives both people a safe "out" if one should change his or her mind. But there are other ways we can also close this distance and signal interest in one another. For another example, we can spend more time with someone (closing temporal distance). This can especially be a signal when there is no other logical reason for the other to be spending time with you. Or, in yet another type, we can close the "knowledge" distance between us by disclosing more intimate details about our lives that we do not normally share with others. Typically, this follows a reciprocating pattern: you share something a little intimate and then wait for the other to affirm it and then share something of approximately equal intimacy. This is then a signal for you to decide whether to "up the ante" by continuing the process.

There are many other ways in which we attempt to close the "distance" (literally or metaphorically) with someone we are interested in. Another of those ways is with this copulatory gaze. There are specific rules, particular to individual cultures, that modify the details, but everyone tends to recognize it. Eye contact is a powerful form of human communication. Our eyes are extraordinarily expressive. We use our eyes to both dominate and invite, push people away or draw them closer. The copulatory gaze is a delicate balance: it is focused on the other person, but it is relatively soft focused and typically accompanied by lowered eyelids, slight smile, and head canted a bit forward. It is intense, yet inviting (hard to describe in words, but everyone should know the look I mean here).

This gaze establishes intimacy by pushing the accepted boundaries for the length of time we tolerate another's look. The more socially intimate we are (or the more socially dominant we are), the longer someone will tolerate our direct look. So this game starts by looking at the other (in this fashion) just a bit longer than is acceptable for someone who is not already a social intimate. This is followed by a flicking away of the eyes, which then (after a few seconds) return to the person in question. If that person is still looking, this is an invitation to "close the distance," so to speak. It continues through several "turns." Each looking for a bit longer and looking briefly away before returning their gaze to check on the status of the other "player." Eventually, one person typically works up enough courage to close the physical distance and strike up a conversation.

Eye contact is one of the most important ways that we negotiate this process of becoming more intimate with one another. And, for the most part, this is one set of signals where the rules for men and women are largely the same. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: ==> :drinks: ==> :th_mf_boff:

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Posted 16 March 2009 - 02:11 AM

Thanks for that explanation, Rafe. That was brilliant. :)smile.gif

I must say, I'm pretty clueless when it comes to reading mating signals, and the like. For example, if a girl touches her hair and laughs a lot at stupid jokes, I assume she's just being friendly, not flirtatious. A lot of girls are just bubbly and social by nature.

Alternatively, if I act super-friendly and bubbly (because, say, I wanted to fit in with a certain group of people) occasionally my signals have been misread as flirting, when I was aiming for "friendly".

Usually, no harm is done. But sometimes misunderstandings can cause a lot of hurt.

I think, if I follow your guidelines above, Rafe, I'll be able to better read signals and not be upset if people misread me.

Copulatory gaze? :rolleyes: :D I've never heard of it. You learn something new every day!!
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#7 OFFLINE   Rafe Day

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Posted 16 March 2009 - 10:22 AM

View PostCharlsy Boi, on Mar 15 2009, 09:11 PM, said:

Thanks for that explanation, Rafe. That was brilliant. :)

I must say, I'm pretty clueless when it comes to reading mating signals, and the like. For example, if a girl touches her hair and laughs a lot at stupid jokes, I assume she's just being friendly, not flirtatious. A lot of girls are just bubbly and social by nature.

Alternatively, if I act super-friendly and bubbly (because, say, I wanted to fit in with a certain group of people) occasionally my signals have been misread as flirting, when I was aiming for "friendly".

Usually, no harm is done. But sometimes misunderstandings can cause a lot of hurt.

I think, if I follow your guidelines above, Rafe, I'll be able to better read signals and not be upset if people misread me.

Copulatory gaze? :rolleyes: :D I've never heard of it. You learn something new every day!!

Thanks, CB. :wink!: I'm a walking trivia catalog. :secret:

Body language is a really important way that humans communicate. Its study is divided into several different "channels:" kinetics and kinesics (how we move), proximics (how we negotiate the space between one another), and haptics (touch), among others. If you learn to read the signals, you find that others are communicating quite a bit, even when they don't speak or intend to be communicating with us.

Another interesting thing about eye contact is that how we react to it says a lot about how we really feel about that person. If someone is looking at us for longer than the socially allowed time, it tends to cause feelings within us to rise to the surface. So pay careful attention. If we welcome the gaze, then it usually means there is some attraction there (this can be for a lot of reasons, not necessarily the person); but if it makes us uncomfortable (that is, in a way we do not like or welcome, or even find offensive or intrusive), then we do not feel that attraction (something is off). I may not be explaining this well, but my point is that our immediate reaction to being looked at in this way can say something about how we feel.

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Posted 16 March 2009 - 03:32 PM

View PostRafe Day, on Mar 16 2009, 12:22 PM, said:

Thanks, CB. :wink!: I'm a walking trivia catalog. :secret:
Geeeez....and I thought that you were a walking stud on the prowl...my bidar is SERIOUSLY screwed up. :hysterical:

I have to say, Rafe, you certainly are a wellspring of information - I have learnt so much since you decided to join this site. Thank you so much for your generosity; for taking the time and trouble to impart so much of your knowledge with us.

Quote

Another interesting thing about eye contact is that how we react to it says a lot about how we really feel about that person. If someone is looking at us for longer than the socially allowed time, it tends to cause feelings within us to rise to the surface. So pay careful attention. If we welcome the gaze, then it usually means there is some attraction there (this can be for a lot of reasons, not necessarily the person); but if it makes us uncomfortable (that is, in a way we do not like or welcome, or even find offensive or intrusive), then we do not feel that attraction (something is off). I may not be explaining this well, but my point is that our immediate reaction to being looked at in this way can say something about how we feel.
What you're saying makes a whole lot of sense and my mindseye is able to recollect two of those experiences. In the first, I was being cruised at a gay club in Mexico. The cruiser was relatively good looking so much as he'd look at me from afar, then look away, and then return his attention to me, I was returning the favour but to some degree it was more out of curiosity than anything else. However, he must have realised that nothing was going to come of it because he soon gave up: I wasn't going to go home with a stranger and there was no point in trying to strike up conversation with him because it would have been met with a "no intiendo" or "solo hablo espaniol".

I've shared just recently about the second incident where the guy kept getting into my space whilst trying to find out which club it is that I frequent. His unrelenting gaze into my eyes was very uncomfortable - much as he wasn't in my space physically, it still felt like he was intruding in it.

As we look deeply within, we understand our perfect balance.
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For when you stand in the present moment, you are timeless.
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#9 OFFLINE   caliban

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Posted 16 March 2009 - 04:01 PM

Do older guys and guys outside of the US jokingly act gay towards each other? Or is my own gay/bi-dar inept? A boy in my college's pep band, for example, always played "brave or timid" with other guys while in band. (You know, where you put your hand on someone's thigh, ask them if they are "brave or timid" and move the hand towards or away from their crotch accordingly?) Sometimes he and the leading saxophonist would grope and hug each other immediately before marching. Perhaps he was working out some gay fantasies in the only way he knew how. Probably he was just joking. Guys are always doing that in college. Does this happen elsewhere? I find it a bit insulting if they make fun of gays, but then again it's really exciting when they're groping me. These people utterly confound me!

#10 OFFLINE   Rafe Day

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Posted 16 March 2009 - 11:18 PM

View Postguybi, on Mar 16 2009, 09:32 AM, said:

Geeeez....and I thought that you were a walking stud on the prowl...my bidar is SERIOUSLY screwed up. :hysterical:

I've shared just recently about the second incident where the guy kept getting into my space whilst trying to find out which club it is that I frequent. His unrelenting gaze into my eyes was very uncomfortable - much as he wasn't in my space physically, it still felt like he was intruding in it.

Yeah, but you forget that geekiness is sexy. Trivia is just part of my master seduction strategy... :grin: :air_kiss:

And, nah, I think your bidar is well-tuned. For instance, it should be going off like crazy when pointed at me... Hey, what's that thing you've got pointed at me right now? :whistle:

I hope you're not feeling intruded upon as my "unrelenting gaze" is turned in your direction! :dance:

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Posted 16 March 2009 - 11:22 PM

View Postcaliban, on Mar 16 2009, 10:01 AM, said:

Do older guys and guys outside of the US jokingly act gay towards each other? Or is my own gay/bi-dar inept? A boy in my college's pep band, for example, always played "brave or timid" with other guys while in band. (You know, where you put your hand on someone's thigh, ask them if they are "brave or timid" and move the hand towards or away from their crotch accordingly?) Sometimes he and the leading saxophonist would grope and hug each other immediately before marching. Perhaps he was working out some gay fantasies in the only way he knew how. Probably he was just joking. Guys are always doing that in college. Does this happen elsewhere? I find it a bit insulting if they make fun of gays, but then again it's really exciting when they're groping me. These people utterly confound me!

I'm not sure that I count as an "older" guy (I'm 40), but my friends and I were all homoerotically horsing around 25 years ago back in high school. To my knowledge, most of them were straight as an arrow -- although, to be fair, many of them would say the same of me, and we know that's not true! ;)

#12 OFFLINE   Rafe Day

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Posted 16 March 2009 - 11:28 PM

View PostCharlsy Boi, on Mar 15 2009, 08:11 PM, said:

I must say, I'm pretty clueless when it comes to reading mating signals, and the like. For example, if a girl touches her hair and laughs a lot at stupid jokes, I assume she's just being friendly, not flirtatious. A lot of girls are just bubbly and social by nature.

Alternatively, if I act super-friendly and bubbly (because, say, I wanted to fit in with a certain group of people) occasionally my signals have been misread as flirting, when I was aiming for "friendly".

Usually, no harm is done. But sometimes misunderstandings can cause a lot of hurt.

I think, if I follow your guidelines above, Rafe, I'll be able to better read signals and not be upset if people misread me.

You bring up a great point -- and one of my pet peeves. Honestly, science has figured out so much of this stuff. I do not understand why schools (like from primary school ages) don't have courses in "being human" as a regular part of their curriculum. Life would be so much easier for all of us if we just got the manual for being a person! :)

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Posted 17 March 2009 - 11:19 AM

View PostRafe Day, on Mar 17 2009, 01:18 AM, said:

Yeah, but you forget that geekiness is sexy.
Well....I have never seen you as being geeky but if sexy is synonymous with geeky, then Hiya Geek! :hiya: LOL

Quote

Trivia is just part of my master seduction strategy... :grin: :air_kiss:
Oh sugarlump, there's more than just trivia that's working for ya! ;)

Quote

And, nah, I think your bidar is well-tuned. For instance, it should be going off like crazy when pointed at me... Hey, what's that thing you've got pointed at me right now? :whistle:
Errrr....my Studly Detector? Yes! Yes! It's my Studly Detector - it alerts me to any studly presence around me by...it throbs and drips and does all sorts of fun stuff. You can give it a try if you'd like, but you'll have to be careful - the equipment is very fragile and EX$PEN$IVE! :grin:

Quote

I hope you're not feeling intruded upon as my "unrelenting gaze" is turned in your direction! :dance:
No no! Don't stop gazing into my eyes..... You're starting to get tired as you stare deeply into my brown eyes..... Your eyelids are getting heavy....... At the sound of my zipper being pulled down, you will be overcome by horniness and proceed to rip off all of your clothes, drop to your knees and service me.... Yeah beh beh YEAH! Like THAT!!!!!

Who would have thunk that gazing in the eyes of men would have such a positive outcome? LMAO :hysterical: :air_kiss:

As we look deeply within, we understand our perfect balance.
There is no fear of the cycle of birth, life and death.
For when you stand in the present moment, you are timeless.
~ Rodney Yee ~


#14 OFFLINE   Curious_Guy

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Posted 17 March 2009 - 12:36 PM

View Postcaliban, on Mar 16 2009, 04:01 PM, said:

Do older guys and guys outside of the US jokingly act gay towards each other? Or is my own gay/bi-dar inept? A boy in my college's pep band, for example, always played "brave or timid" with other guys while in band. (You know, where you put your hand on someone's thigh, ask them if they are "brave or timid" and move the hand towards or away from their crotch accordingly?) Sometimes he and the leading saxophonist would grope and hug each other immediately before marching. Perhaps he was working out some gay fantasies in the only way he knew how. Probably he was just joking. Guys are always doing that in college. Does this happen elsewhere? I find it a bit insulting if they make fun of gays, but then again it's really exciting when they're groping me. These people utterly confound me!

What you were talking about Caliban sounds similar to something i've heard about in the UK called 'gay chicken' not sure if other UK guys have heard this where basically the same rules apply but the guys get more intense asking if they are chicken. Other things that happen are the fooling about slapping arse cheeks, grabbing other guys crotches...one time i remember two of my friends rubbed each other to see who got hard first lol.

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Posted 17 March 2009 - 11:45 PM

View PostCurious_Guy, on Mar 17 2009, 06:36 AM, said:

What you were talking about Caliban sounds similar to something i've heard about in the UK called 'gay chicken' not sure if other UK guys have heard this where basically the same rules apply but the guys get more intense asking if they are chicken. Other things that happen are the fooling about slapping arse cheeks, grabbing other guys crotches...one time i remember two of my friends rubbed each other to see who got hard first lol.

It's good to know that it happens elsewhere. Wow, I ought to take a field trip to England, go play some games. ;) It's got to be homoerotic in nature if they do it until they get hard -- that seems outside the bounds of normal humor, even aggressively anti-gay humor.

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Posted 18 March 2009 - 04:13 AM

Rafe;
Dude...you blow me away. I said a few days ago that I was sure someone could articulate what I was trying to say and man oh man did you ever articulate. You put into words thoughts and feelings that I had and didn't even know I had them. But as I read your description of the "copulatory gaze" you captured things within my brain that I had never identified before...however I certainly knew instantly what you were saying because I had experienced many of those thoughts, feelings and emotions. Reading your post brought back some deep long forgotten feelings that are still erotic in my mind to this day.

You have a gift my friend. Thanks for sharing.

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Posted 19 March 2009 - 09:06 AM

View Postcaliban, on Mar 16 2009, 06:01 PM, said:

Do older guys and guys outside of the US jokingly act gay towards each other? Or is my own gay/bi-dar inept? A boy in my college's pep band, for example, always played "brave or timid" with other guys while in band. (You know, where you put your hand on someone's thigh, ask them if they are "brave or timid" and move the hand towards or away from their crotch accordingly?) Sometimes he and the leading saxophonist would grope and hug each other immediately before marching. Perhaps he was working out some gay fantasies in the only way he knew how. Probably he was just joking. Guys are always doing that in college. Does this happen elsewhere? I find it a bit insulting if they make fun of gays, but then again it's really exciting when they're groping me. These people utterly confound me!

I'm going to go slightly off topic for a bit just to raise another point before responding to what you've had to say, Caliban. I'm really enjoying your posts, btw. ;)

I think that at times behaviour is also determined by culture...and I'm slotting this into this discussion because of an eye-opener of an experience that I once had. At one point during my time in seminary, one of the black guys with me would have the habit of holding my hand when he spoke to me. Much as he was a lovely guy, having my hand held during the entire length of our conversation really gave me the creeps...and whenever I'd get my hand free, he soon start holding it again. By the second time that it happened, I concluded that he must be gay and that he was coming onto me. Now, if he was gay...all power to him....just keep your hands to yourself DAMMIT!!!! LOL. Hindsight makes me wonder why exactly his holding my hands creeped me out like that, though I suspect that your guesses are the same as mine :huh: LOL. Anywhoo, it wasn't too long afterwards when I started to notice that at some point all of the black guys would hold hands at some point or other...they'd even hold hands when they were talking whilst walking somewhere....and I've noticed it take place in the street many a time since my having left seminary. It's not done in any romantic way, it's just an acceptable part of certain African cultures.

With that being said, I can understand where the groping is coming from. Regardless of whether it's conscious or not but I think that our various societies come with a pecking order. Once a boy reaches adolescence, he needs to establish himself within the pecking order...and for all sorts of reasons too. What better way to display one's masculinity than to hone in on the very thing that makes us males, our genitals. So I think that to a large degree the behaviour that you're talking about is an attempt to show off one's "masculinity" - "I'm not afraid to touch your maleness" and "I'm not afraid if you touch my maleness".

The thing however, that has me scratching my chin whilst thinking "hmmmmmmmmmm....." is the fact that their "assertiveness or aggression" is followed by hugging. That's almost contradictory; it's a move from being aggressive to nurturing. It could well be that once their competitiveness is out of the way, they then see fit to reassure each other of their friendship. It could be that there's more to things than meets the eye.
...or could it be that with queer rights and visibility, coupled with meterosexuality etc. that our masculinity has evolved from us playing the role of hunter/gatherers to that of hunter/gatherer/nurturers? Or is it just a sign that we're becoming more comfortable with queer folk that our homophobia or need to play "Rambo" is starting to subside? Or is it just safer for the younger generation to display outward "homosexual" behaviour (if that's what the driving force behind it is) than it was back then?

The questions that I have are encouraging because they signify a growth in openmindedness and acceptance of gay/bi folk; things aren't quite where they ought to be but there certainly is progress.

As we look deeply within, we understand our perfect balance.
There is no fear of the cycle of birth, life and death.
For when you stand in the present moment, you are timeless.
~ Rodney Yee ~


#18 OFFLINE   davemele

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Posted 26 March 2009 - 10:42 PM

i think many of the flirting signs are the same, like gazing, or the "accidental arm brush"

#19 OFFLINE   Curious_Guy

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Posted 02 April 2009 - 10:38 PM

I agree with GB that it certainly does depend on your culture and that what i witnessed in school etc was more of a test of masculinity and for some reason the only way they could express this was by performing erotic actions on one another such as rubbing each others cocks until one of them got hard.
Maybe it has something to do with strict societies as well? For example say i went somewhere outside of britain that was more open about sexuality and exploring it would it be more obvious who was game if that makes sense?

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Posted 03 April 2009 - 12:37 AM

Here's my first epic post:

Obvious Bi signs...hmmm. *scratches head* I'm not sure about that. Anybody can interpret anything in anyway. One person might see someone smile and wink; meanwhile the person "smiling and winking" is actually grimacing because there's something in their eye. "Obvious" is a bit of a tough call.

But what Rafe said about "closing the temproal distance" and "closing the knowledge distance" has really struck a chord with me, especially as it pertains to a friend of mine that I'm starting to want to be closer to. We have performed in the same theater troupe for the last three years. He is simply the most beautiful man I have ever met---and I'm not just speaking of his considerable physical gifts (he's drop-dead gorgeous), but of his amazing talents, his good humor and wit, his patience and understanding, his remarkable intelligence and creativity...oh boy, I could go on and on. Anyway, early on in performing together, I'd often catch him looking at me. You know how you're going about your business and all of a sudden you feel this...warmth? Or a vibe or something from coming from somewhere? It'd be him, and we'd make eye contact, smile and go on about our business. I tried not to think too much about it.

Recently, our theater troupe has settled into a new space, where we now serve food and alcoholic drinks. After one show a few weeks ago, he mentioned being hungry but wanting to eat light. I offered to order something from the theater menu and split it with him. He agreed; I paid, and we sat close, eat off the same plate and chit-chatted about the show, about life, about anything. The following week, he offered to return the favor, to buy a meal and split it with me. I agreed, and it was the same deal: sit close, eat off the same plate and chit chat about whatever. "This is a nice tradition we have going, huh." he said. And ever since, we've made it a post-show habit to share a meal---I love that he doesn't request a second plate---and talk. Lately, our talks have gotten more personal, as we speak of our childhoods, and what we do when we're by ourselves ("There's not too many people I can talk to about this" he remarked during one conversation). He and I have uncovered a lot of shared experience during this time; he even said "Maybe that's why we're so drawn to each other, since we have so much in common." I was floored that he chose those words---"drawn to each other" *sigh*---but I wasn't going to share that with him. I simply nodded in passive agreement. Another thing him and I have in common is that we're both affectionate people who greet our friends with hugs. The hugs between him and I tend to be firmer and linger a little longer, especially when saying goodbye.

BUT---I'm careful not to read too much into any of it. How do I know I'm not projecting any of this onto him, that I'm not just viewing him through the rose-colored lens of my feelings for him? Is what I've described above---the glances at each other, the casual intimacy of sharing food from the same plate, the increasingly personal nature of our conversations---indicative of an "obvious bi sign"? Or is he simply a very good-natured man, one whose very presence brings about a sense of comfort, safety, and relaxation to everyone he knows. How do I know he doesn't have a similar friendship with another person in his sphere of influence? As much as my heart wants to interpret his actions as a sign of interest, my head won't allow it. The reality is, he's a very unique human being---one for whom the phrase "to know him is to love him" was surely coined.

I really don't know, what do you guys think?
"Both sides want me deep, in both directions...they can't get enough of me."



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