Perhaps you have always been aware of your Bisexuality and attempted to suppress it, perhaps it’s something that has surfaced just recently. But being a Bisexual or Bicurious guy can crop up at any point in your life. Being Bi may well grab you by surprise! The fact of the matter is that you’ve come to a point where you’re starting to realise that you cannot deny your sexuality or ignore these bi feelings that you’ve secretly been having for men.

Maybe you’re single and not looking to be tied down anytime soon, or maybe you’re currently dating the woman that you’d like to marry someday or maybe you’re happily married with kids. Your biggest concern is the future and how things stand to play out if you’re unable to get things under control and you keep being bi on the down low.

You find yourself walking down the street or in the mall. You see men with girlfriends or wives, and you can’t help but ask yourself, “Does he have these feelings? I wonder if he is Bisexual. Or him?! Or him?!! Is there anybody out there that has these feelings, other than me?!!!!” The answer is “YES!” You are not alone. There are many, many men dealing with the same Bicurious / Bisexual confusion and experiencing the same Bi feelings that you are.

In fact, we’ve all been in that same situation at some point in our lives. Rest assured knowing that you’re sure to meet many other bicurious or bisexual men just like you in our forums. Know that we are here for you, even if it’s just to offer you a sympathetic ear.

Questioning your Bisexuality? Bicurious men and Bisexual men you are at home here!

Bisexual or Bicurious ?

I’ll bet that you’ve been surfing the internet in search of answers for the many questions that you may have about Bisexuality, right? If this is the case, then I have no doubt that you’ve discovered that unless you’re looking to hook up with men or you’re in search of porn, then to a large degree, looking for reliable information about this orientation can be likened to being in search of the mythological unicorn.

What we are about…

Here at ShyBi-Guys, we understand that Bisexuality can be experienced in a myriad of ways… and the findings of contemporary sexual researchers bear testament to this fact. At the same token, some men are able to embrace their newfound feelings, while others may feel confused and not know where to turn.

We may not have all of the answers that you are looking for, but we certainly are able to help. Not just with coming to terms with your sexuality, because before anything else, this site is about offering mutual support to other likeminded guys. After all, a lot of us are either married or in a steady relationship; we cannot just turn our backs on those that we love.

However, please note that although we are not against guys getting together, this site is not a hook up joint for bi sex and that, much as our discussions explore the realm of human sexuality, this also is not a smut site.

Get involved today and meet other Shy Bi Guys

Whether you’re Bisexual, Bicurious or just completely confused about your sexuality,
this community is yours, Your Forum for Bisexual men just like yourself.

The beers are on ice, our seats are comfy and the guys are waiting to chat to you.
Step right in and make yourself at home… Join our Bicurious and Bisexual Forum for Bi Men Now!

You’re confused… overwhelmed, possibly. Where are these feelings coming from? Why me? Why now? Am I a bi guy? really? In light of the confusion that you are experiencing, you’re most probably feeling insecure as well, right? After all, you have no idea of where these feelings will lead you to. Your immediate response is going to be one where you will immediately want to have all of the answers and the first question that you’ll most probably try is answer is.. Am I bicurious or Bisexual ?

So What is it, Am I Bicurious or Bisexual ?

This is a recurring question that is put before our community. The bad news is, nobody is able to give you an answer other than yourself. It would be irresponsible for any of us to attempt to give you an answer. Added to which, these questions are a necessary part of the process. This isn’t just a sexual odyssey, this is a journey towards your own self understanding. The good news, though, is that you don’t have to come up with an answer any time soon. Yes, you heard me right, you DO NOT have to have up with an answer any time soon. …and yes, I’m for real!

You’re desperately trying to find the answer to the question or to find a label for yourself, whether that be straight, bicurious or bisexual. Because of needing to find an identity you’re feeling insecure and in light of it, you’re looking for something that will offer you a sense of being in control. The thing to consider is that you will only experience it superficially. Added to which, since this is a journey towards your own self understanding, if you try to draw conclusions about yourself too soon, these conclusions stand to trip you up in the future.

If you’re married or in a committed relationship, then I am very certain that you’re feeling as if you’re under pressure to find answers about yourself like yesterday. Right? The thing that you need to consider is that much as you feel as if you’re losing control over your life or your future, you are completely in control. You are able to decide on how you would like to better understand yourself and this situation that you are in. You are able to decide on how you would like for things to play out in the future. All in all, you’re able to deal with this journey on your terms and in ways that will not only preserve yourself, but the wellbeing of your significant other and family too.

Whether you are Bicurious or Bisexual it doesn’t matter Join our Bi Forum for support and advice.

We’re here to offer you our support, share our experiences with other bi guys who too are exploring whether they are Bi men, Bicurious or whatever label fits best! We offer you a safe and friendly platform for Bi Chat and Discussion that allows you to explore your desires and better understand yourself so that you can make informed decisions on how you intend to deal with your feelings and sexuality in the future. You are able to do this in a caring and accepting environment while making it possible for you to do so in ways that will not compromise yourself or your relationship with your partner. So If you are still looking for answers join our community and see if you can finally answer.. Am I Bicurious or Bisexual?

So am I Bicurious or Bisexual ?

Now that we’ve gotten bisexuality out of the way, let’s have a closer look and get some answers as to what it means to be Bicurious. The term “Bicurious” is used when someone doesn’t identify as being Gay or Straight but shows some curiosity in a relationship or sexual activity with someone of the same sex. Of all those questions and answers that keep going through your head it’s probably the ‘big one’ am I Bicurious ? If you’re serious about this journey towards your better self understanding, that you’re undertaking, you may want to note that it’s one thing to think about being sexually active from time to time, but if it’s something that is constantly on your mind, then it’s highly likely that you are leaning closer to being Bisexual than you are to simply being Bicurious. Additionally, a lot of bi men early in their journey tend to ascribe to the Bicurious label because of the security that it offers because, much as one is acknowledging the feelings and desires that one has for another man, one is able to do so without committing oneself to any particular label. It does come with a cost however, because it stands to hinder you from not only coming to know yourself and what you’re about in all entirety, but it can also prevent you from reaching a place of complete self acceptance.

The information that this site has to offer, is our gift to you. What you choose to do with this information, is your gift to yourself.

Coming to terms with being Bisexual.

The confusion about your own Bisexuality that you’ve been experiencing is a very necessary and important part of the process. It challenges and motivates you to dig down deep and unveil hidden truths about yourself and your bisexuality. The kind of mindset that you have when dealing with your confusion will determine whether you’ll be overwhelmed by it or if you’ll have a good handle on things regardless of it’s presence in your life. If you opt to approach things with a mindset of having to get to the “finish line”, then you stand to feel overwhelmed by the confusion because of the amount of pressure that you’ll be putting yourself under. However, if you have a mindset where you’re willing to accept it’s presence in your life and focus on the role that your confusion plays in this process, then you be better equipped to handle things in the here and now, by taking things one step at a time.

Understanding Bisexuality

The best possible way for you to deal with your confusion will be to spend time sorting through all of the questions and issues that you are confronted with and to put them in different compartments. If, for example, you’re married, some of the compartments that you may want to use would be:

Bisexuality – What do I understand about it? How am I experiencing it? etc
Marriage – How does this stand to impact my marriage? How will my wife respond to my bisexuality? etc
and so forth

You’re going to feel compelled to try to control things, but you need to make yourself aware that scary as things may appear to be, there really isn’t any need for you to be a control freak. In fact, the best way of dealing with things, once you’ve put your questions and issues into different compartments, would be to select one compartment and focus on dealing with things one issue at a time. Once you’ve finished cleaning out one compartment, only then will it be necessary to move on to the next one.
“What about the rest of my issues? Won’t they be a train wreck to my life?” May be your reaction.
Well, this approach reduces the risk of being faced with a train wreck because things will be contained and thus won’t blow up in your face…provided that you don’t mess with them. If, however, you try to juggle various issues, you stand to drop the ball in some way and thus set yourself up for a fall.

“It’s about the journey, and not the destination”.
Allow us to help you to bring your ship into the harbour, while enjoying the beauty of the sea. Coming to terms with bisexuality takes time and understanding what being bisexual means is always a learning process.

You’ve realised that you have a sexual interest in men. Now that you’ve acknowledged this and allowed yourself to examine these feelings, it feels as if the lid has blown off from the pressure cooker. Very strong emotions and sexual urges have emerged and you’re feeling overpowered by it all. You see a guy in the street and your first reaction is, “Is he gay or bisexual?” Your second reaction is, “I wouldn’t mind being naked with him and for us to ………… (fill in the blank)”. You can’t stop thinking about men. You can’t stop being aroused by men. And you certainly can’t stop fantasising about doing certain things with other men. You don’t want to feel this way or think those thoughts, but try as you might, there’s just no putting a stop to them.

If it puts your mind at ease, most bi men have gone through what you are going through right now. It’s also part of the process, so there’s no way of avoiding it. It’s very common for men to acknowledge their interest in men, much later on in their lives. Up till this point, these feelings and desires have been repressed, be it consciously or subconsciously. Suppressing these feelings for a long duration of time means that these feelings and urges have built up in intensity, which means that when they eventually surface, they’re strong. This experience can be likened to going through a second puberty, but the only difference is that the focal point has changed and in a lot of instances, these feelings are more intense. The duration and intensity of this part of the process can be determined by the amount of time that these feelings were repressed as well as how open you are to this present experience.

Controlling your Bisexual urges

In light of the overpowering nature of this experience, it would be a normal reaction for you to attempt to either suppress these desires or to control them. It implies that there stands to be an inner war that is taking place inside of you and it stands to add to your confusion and sense of being overwhelmed by it all. You need to consider that the more that you try to control or suppress these desires, the more that they stand to intensify. If you are able to take a step back and look at the situation that you are in, you will most probably identify that unless you decide to act out on these desires, there aren’t any risks of things blowing up in your face.

It would mean that you’re able to come to a middle ground approach; where you allow for these feelings, fantasies and urges to present themselves into your awareness but for boundaries to be in place so that, much as they are able to roam around in your mind, they don’t filter into your actions…in the sense of hooking up with men etc.

Strange as it may sound, but if you stop trying to control these feelings, you will find that you will have a better handle on things. This is because you will be able to focus your attention and energy elsewhere. You may even find that you won’t only enjoy your newfound fantasy life, but that you feel fulfilled after experiencing them.

The most important thing to remember is that it’s not about what you’re feeling or desiring, but what you choose to do with these things…and that through not trying to control your bi feelings, you will have more control over your situation and thus make better decisions about how to move forward from here. Whether that means taking your Bisexual feelings further or not.

You’re paying more attention to guys around you, fantasising about them or you’ve decided to give gay and/or bisexual porn a try, but you’ve been unsettled by the fact that you’re experiencing guilt afterwards. If it’s any consolation, many bisexual men have gone through what you are at present. In some instances, this took place after they had hooked up with a guy; then the reality hit home and they wanted to get away from the situation as quickly as possible. If you’re looking for an explanation for this kind of reaction, you need not look further than the norms and values that you’ve encountered in your family, community and country.

Most of us have been raised with the mindset that same sex intimacy is wrong, dirty and/or sinful. Homophobia and biphobia are still rife in countries around the globe. All of these things run very deeply inside of us, and since many of us only face up to or identify these feelings later on in our lives, it’s only then that we are exposed to the way that these mindsets, approaches and norms have had an impact on our lives. If you’re in a committed relationship, then it’s highly likely that your guilt is also coming from the fact that your significant other is oblivious to these attractions that you’re experiencing and you’re feeling guilty for keeping them hidden from her. This affects so many guys who keep their Bisexuality on the downlow.

To a large degree, and as a result of misconceptions about human sexuality, there’s the tendency for us to reduce our sexuality to the sex act – nothing more and nothing less than that. It may be helpful to hold the image of the human nervous system in your mind. We find millions of nerves that run throughout the body and are connected to the brain. This is pretty much how we’re wired sexually too. Our sexual orientations are a small part of who we are (like the brain), however, it runs throughout most of our realities (like the nerves) which implies that there’s more to our sexuality than just sexual activity.

Societal norms and values, our beliefs and religious ascriptions and our life experiences, most especially as children, have had some kind of influence on our sexuality and how we bring it to expression. In light of this, your guilt won’t go away overnight, but it is possible to move beyond it and come to a place where you’re able to embrace your sexual identity along with any subsequent desires that you will have.

Help in understanding Bisexuality

It may be helpful if you spend some time becoming acquainted with some of the misconceptions and discrimination associated with bisexuality and same sex intimacy/relationships. Ask yourself if any of these mindsets are valid or if any of them are true about the person that you are – when you hold them up against what you know about yourself. You could also make a conscious decision to surround yourself with gay and bisexual men…not for the sake of sex, but for the sake of allowing your experiences of them to serve as a means of establishing whether or not they are sexual deviants as well as seeing if there’s any reason for them to feel ashamed of who they are and the way that they experience their sexuality.

By allowing yourself to come into contact with homosexuality and bisexuality, be it through porn, human contact (in the sense of going to a gay bar as an observer or forging platonic friendships) while asking yourself if anything that you’re witnessing is really wrong or bad, you’ll find it easier to come to terms with your feelings of guilt and overcome them.

Now that you’ve acknowledged these feelings that you have for men, you can’t help but wonder if it means that you’re gay. Perhaps you’re experiencing a level of fear whenever you stop to consider this question. After all, when a dude likes another dude, doesn’t it mean that he’s (cups mouth and whispers) gay? The good news is that you won’t have to buy a tiara, learn how to lisp, go for lessons on how to have a limp wrist while embracing Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive!” as an anthem for your life, any time soon.

Three things that tend to trip up many a man embarking on the kind of journey that you are, would be: lack of information, stereotypes and homophobia. These last two factors are more than likely the cause of you wondering if acknowledging these feelings or being intimate with a man will lead to you becoming gay.

Sexual researchers like Fritz Klein and J. R. Little identified a form of bisexuality known as “Transitional Bisexuality”, where the person identifies as being heterosexual, moves over to identifying as bisexual and finally realising that he/she is homosexual. However, not all bisexuals experience things in this way; most bisexuals identify as being bi and that’s as far as things go.

Am I Bisexual or Gay ?

With most bisexuals being in hiding, it’s led to there being very little information about bisexuality. Subsequently, the general approach towards bisexuality is one where the person in question is forced to “pick a side” i.e. the person isn’t seen to be bisexual and is therefore pressured into deciding if he/she is gay or straight.

There are also stereotypes at play. A common stereotype is one where gay men are perceived to be effeminate drama queens and in the bi world, there’s one where gay men are perceived as being untrustworthy because any contact with them will lead to him falling in love with you and deciding to out you in order to have you for himself. The only reliable information that such stereotypes convey would revolve around ignorance. There are also broader stereotypes where men are expected to be macho warriors, so any display of emotion, gentleness or attraction to another man is perceived as being gay and therefore less of a man.

Acceptance of Bisexuality

We’ve been raised in environments that exhibit little tolerance and acceptance for gay and bisexual men. It’s therefore easy for these feelings to be internalised without us being aware of it. As a result, we’re afraid that these feelings and attractions will imply that we’re gay because it would mean that we’re less of a man, we’re sexual deviants, sinful and many other things…not only by others, but by ourselves as well.

The only way to reach a place of inner peace and harmony, would be to move from asking the “Will it make me gay?” question and to rather ask, “When I look at who I am as a person and compare it to the misconception and discrimination out there, to what degree do these stereotypes etc. have any merit and therefore reflect who I am?” Whether that’s indeed Bisexual or Gay.

This is a tough question to answer. The reason being that the situation and the mindsets, norms and values systems vary from relationship to relationship. In light of this, I am loathe to attempt to tell you what to do because you stand to bear the repercussions and because I do not have all of the necessary information. What I can do is to present you with things to consider while encouraging you to look at things from different perspectives, so that you will be equipped to make informed decisions about how to progress from where you have found yourself to be.

Telling your partner you are Bi

Some bisexual men have opted to tell their wives and girlfriends about their sexual interest in men. Some reactions have been favourable, some partners were understanding but there was the need for ongoing open and honest discussion about what the implications were, and in some instances, the reaction was unfavourable and the relationship came to an end. Some men feel as if withholding this information is dishonest, while others opted not for the “Down Low” in order to protect and preserve their partner, relationship and possibly their family unit too.

The only advice that I can offer when it comes to this decision as well as how you intend to take things from here, would be to remind you that we are raised in a monosexual world and therefore ascribe to monosexual norms and values as well. The bisexual reality doesn’t fit into this scheme of things and it’s therefore important that every bisexual stops and examines these values and beliefs systems with a view of being able to determine his/her own set of norms and values that are able to accommodate his/her bisexuality. It doesn’t imply that you are encouraged to withhold this kind of information from your partner, nor does as it serve as encouragement to hook up with men behind your partner’s back. It does however imply that you stop to re-evaluating things that you’ve ascribed to in the past and to use it as a means of determining how you are able to comfortably bring your bisexuality to expression in a constructive manner.

Another thing that stands to be helpful in your decision making process, would be to invest time in familiarising yourself with HIV and STD’s. For many of us, it hasn’t been necessary to examine this up till now because of being married etc. However, it’s imperative that you are educated in the risks, symptoms and end result involved in being sexually active outside of your committed relationship. In light of these risks and the reality that no safety measures are 100% fool proof, you may want to ask yourself if you’re comfortable taking these kinds of risks.

Men on the Down low

You’re most probably experiencing very strong emotions like fear, confusion and insecurity. As men, we aren’t always equipped to deal with strong and uncomfortable emotions because of being raised with the mindset that “cowboys don’t cry” etc., which means that we normally respond by trying to push things away from us. In a situation like this, it would be necessary for you to be willing to confront these emotions along with the discomfort of your situation, so that you’re able to investigate things from all angles. It’s also human nature to become so caught up with these emotions that there’s a disconnect between you and your awareness of your partner. It will be necessary for you to try to break through this by attempting to put yourself in her shoes and to look at things from her perspective. Don’t forget that much as things are sexual in nature, it doesn’t imply that you HAVE to have sex.

There’s only one person capable of answering this question responsibly, and it’s you. Deciding to come out to those around you means that you’re opening yourself up to the risk of there being a negative reaction, as well as for your relationships to be forever altered in some way or form. The decision to come out as Bisexual to others means that you will be seen in a different light and once you’ve crossed that threshold, there is no turning back.The reality of this situation needn’t necessarily have any negative connotations attached to it. In the instance of someone responding to this revelation favourably, it more than likely would mean that he/she won’t only respond by wanting to relate with you more deeply and authentically, but it can also imply that he/she comes to respect you for your courage. However, life isn’t all rose-tinted glasses, so we cannot ignore the outcome should the reaction be unfavourable.

The most important part of this process is that you come out to yourself. It will be virtually impossible for you to come to a place of self acceptance and self celebration unless you’re able to acknowledge the truth about yourself and make peace with it. After all, doesn’t charity begin at home?

Stay on the downlow or come out ? pros and cons.

There are pros and cons associated with both sides of the coin. If you opt to come out, you’ll have greater freedom in being able to express who you are and therefore live a more authentic life, however, you won’t be able to control the reactions of others. On the other side of the coin, you will more than likely feel isolated and lonely (and go through waves of depression on occasion) if you opt to stay in the closet. However, you won’t have to worry about or deal with the reactions of others, unless you are found out. Since I don’t believe that I have any right to play “moral police” in your life, I’m leaving this out of the equation and leave you to determine how you view that side of things.

Staying in the closet could open you up to living with a level of fear and guilt, most especially if you decide that you’d like to be sexually active with men, without your partner’s knowledge and consent. If you decide that this approach is the best way for you to move forward, it may be wise for you to spend time considering any possible repercussions and to reconcile yourself to them, so that if they emerge, then you’re emotionally prepared for them.

If, however, you decide to come out, it would be wise to consider possible reactions of loved ones and to prepare yourself for them as well. It would be helpful to offer reliable information about bisexuality during the time of your coming out, to ensure that you’ve prepared yourself for possible questions so that you can answer them confidently, to be able to tailor the information that you intend to share in bite-sized portions so that the recipient will be able to digest information without feeling overwhelmed, and to possibly start the process with people who you believe would be more accepting and supportive of you and your sexual orientation.

Admitting to yourself that you are Bisexual.

Another point worth considering would be, “What does coming out mean to me?” Do you think that it comes with the responsibility of educating those around you?…most especially when considering how far the bisexuality still has to go before it’s acknowledged and accepted as a valid sexual orientation. It doesn’t imply that you burn your jockstraps while singing The Village People’s “Macho Man”, but how are you able to utilize the fact that you’ve come out as a bisexual, as a means of making a meaningful contribution towards the progress and wellbeing of the bi community? Coming out of the closet could be the start of a new you.